I’ve been feeling very existential lately. Almost nauseous. This world seems so far gone, and the more I think about it the more I wonder about God. I don’t know that my theology is big enough to answer anything about this world or the shape it is in. Human free will just doesn’t answer everything. When I think about any of the billions of atrocities that happen every day I cant help but wonder what the point is. If a man sees a girl being raped, and has the ability to stop it then what do you conclude about that man when he does nothing? I remember being shown a video of a bunch of people watching someone else get severely beaten and somebody said that they were as guilty of crime as the guy doing the beating. I agree. Why doesn’t that same logic apply in theology? God sees, right? He is able to do something, correct? Why doesn’t He? Respect for free will is a weak answer because it is irresponsible of the omniscient giver. Promises about a future justice are wearing thin and Martin Luther King Jr. said that ‘Justice delayed IS justice denied.’ I am not trying to be blasphemous, but I am trying to be honest. I honestly want to know God. Something in my definition of Him is leaving me confused and frustrated. I don’t see mankind changing anything. Humanity will consume this world as well as itself. The mission of the Church is admirable and is honestly the most beautiful thing when it is healthy but I just wonder if it is not all in vain. You help one child and 34,999 die in its place. You help rebuild one village and a hurricane will rip it to pieces within a few years. I don’t know maybe it won’t but as the writter of Ecclesiastes say’s ‘time and chance happen to all’ and that seems like a better explanation than any divine action. Either God interacts in this world or he does not. The Deist god that has walked away from creation seems like a decent worldview if your aiming to be consisted with our experiences. A Gnostic view is even better. The caring, compassionate, just, God revealed in Jesus is so confusing. We must be apocalyptic to even care, but this has problems of it’s own. I don’t know man, I just wanna see change. I’m ready for a frickin’ kamikaze mission because I’m getting sick.
Is God moving in this world consistent with free will? I recently watched a video of a paralyzed man talkig about God and it has been haunting me, however he inspired me too. I noticed he was teetering between saying what he knew he should say and what his experience and heart were really feeling. I don’t just want to say things because I know its orthodox (a word that might not actually mean anything anyway) but want to be honest. The more I learn and see troubles me and I myself teeter between Christ and Violence. I love this world and I hate it. I don’t want to leave it but I don’t want it to live in it the way it is either. It’s gotta change! I’ve gotta change!
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